Emmanuel - God is With Us

It is hard to put this into words, but the last few days have been suffocating. It were as if something is sapping and draining all my energy away. I feel frustrated, tired, irritated, depressed... I can't breathe. Every single weakness I have is exploited to the fullest. I am stretched. Something is bugging me, but I can't for the life of me pinpoint what that something is. It feels like I'm pushing futilely against a wall, or a tide that threatens to engulf me.

I have a strong feeling that this stems from the fact that it is Catholic Awareness Week and that CAW rally is approaching. I know God has us in the folds of his hands and with the CAW and the Rally, He has plans, not to harm us, but to let us prosper. He has given us a Hope for the future and He has provided us with plans that will work for good if we trust in Him. Yet, it is precisely that reason in which we enter into a spiritual battle, where we start to find obstacles and things blocking us and taking us away from Jesus. We will feel tired, drained, frustrated, irritated, unworthy. We will face every possible temptation that will attempt to steal us away from the love and the embrace of Christ. We will fall from grace, but it is in our weakness that God is strongest, and He will give us the strength, the energy, the mercy and the power of the Spirit to overcome. Philippians 4:13 " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I recall the story of Joshua and the fall of the walls of Jericho. Joshua and his army were faced with the impossible task of defeating the enemy, yet God was with them. The name of the Lord was their battle cry and as they marched around the walls and as they did as the Lord Yahweh commanded them, the walls came crumbling down. It is easy to let human pride cloud us, it is easy to be swayed and to let our differences come between us. It is therefore pertinent to remind ourselves that we should decrease while God increases, and that we are His instruments, commissioned to do His will. Who are we doing this for? Is it for our own glory? Can we let God work through us? The Lord himself says, "Not by might, or by power, but by my Spirit," and because we already have the holy Spirit within us, we claim His power. We claim His protection. We claim His healing, that we may be empowered in our weakness and shortcomings to do His will, to enter into battle for God.

Tobit 4:19-20
"Ask advice of every wise person. Bless the Lord in everything; beg Him to guide your ways and bring your paths and purposes to their end."

An extremely difficult prayer for me to pray...

Litany of Humility
Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930),Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled...
From the desire of being honored...
From the desire of being praised...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted...
From the desire of being approved...
From the fear of being humiliated...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes...
From the fear of being calumniated...
From the fear of being forgotten...
From the fear of being ridiculed...
From the fear of being wronged...
From the fear of being suspected...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease...
That others may be chosen and I set aside...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I,
provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Time, Running, Money and a CNY BAKE SALE!

O Lord my God, where have I been sleeping? What have I been doing? How slowly I awaken once again to the barrenness of my life and its confusion. You will forgive me if it is often that way - I do not mean it to be. How little faith there has been in me - how inert been my hours of solitude, how my time has been wasted. You will forgive me if next week, too, my time is all wasted and I am once again in confusion. (Thomas Merton, Dialogues With Silence, p. 193)

There are a million and one things to do and I have barely begun. Things like the IRB form which I will need to fill, to inform the department of any possible ethic implications that might arise from doing my theses, the confirmation of the detachment list for the mob ex, readings and films for Asian International Cinema and Post Mod, project work and discussions for Asian and for Claims To Health, Consultation with HT supervisor, CAW, Youth CAfe on Fridays... I want to do well this semester. I must. I... I need a chill pill.

You know how it is when you first begin to start exercising again, and you enter into that transitional period before you actually begin to lose any weight? Well, demoralising as it is, I am in that transitional stage and it feels terrible. I feel bloated, my face looks blotchy and colourless, I am eating twice as much as I do, because I am hungry all the time, which completely defeats the purpose of working out in the first place and to add injury to insult, inertia and sloth are setting in again. Thank God there have been friends from the CSS who have been willing to take time off to run with me. I used to think that I could do all things alone, but with regard to exercise, it is so important to have running and workout buddies for during the times when you feel you can't do it anymore, or when you feel lazy, you know you can't let the people you are meeting and running with down. I have seen this too many times and I speak from well-honed experience. I would start running maybe once or twice, and then the excuses start coming in. "Oh I'm too tired today. I'll run tomorrow.", "Oh I ate KFC today, so today is my rest day." Ad infinitum. Tomorrow never comes you see. I will get there eventually. With the help of my friends.

So running is one issue, and the other's money. Money's always an issue and that's why everyone can't wait for me to graduate and start working, preferably in the civil service, because they have better bonuses (c.f. Sharon :) ) I hate this worrying about money. I hate worrying about how I'm going to top up my ez link card, how I'm going to have money to eat in school, where I'm going to get the money to buy my text books, top up my cashcard so I can print notes. On one hand I see where my family is coming from. It's hard to pursue full time studies where one does not have a steady or stable flow of allowance, and as much as I would like to pursue a masters degree, a major deciding factor would be whether I am able get the scholarship, so that at least every month, I can contribute a little to help pay off loans and hdb money.

Someone once said that I was quite entrepreneurial. It's inevitable when your survival hinges on it doesn't it? Anyway, as a sideline and to raise some funds, so that I can go for World Youth Day in July, and pay Fr. V. for my air ticket, which he so kindly paid for me in advance, I will be baking and selling CNY goodies in view of the upcoming Chinese New Year Celebrations:

Orange Cupcakes with Orange Frosting: $2.50 each (Min. order of 8)

Valrhona Chocolate Chunk Cookies, (using Valrhona Chocolate, French butter and Madagascar Vanilla) in CNY containers, those with red caps: Small: $12, Medium: $16 and Large: $18 for early orders.

Orders received in the week before CNY (from 1st Feb. onwards):

Cupcakes: $3 each
Cookies: Small: $16, Medium: $20, Large: $22

Do let me know if any of you are interested. Please make orders one week in advance, so that I have sufficient time to get the ingredients and to bake. Will arrange to meet at a convenient place for collection. Unfortunately, I can only do orders based in Singapore. Delivery is free if goodies are collected at NUS, St. Michael's Church or Boon Keng Mrt. Other places will have a delivery charge of $15 attached, but we can negotiate.

So if you are looking for the perfect finger food to entertain your guests, or gifts to give family and friends, do send an email to {pilgrimrain} {at} {gmail.com} with the heading CNY goodies Order with the items and quantity ordered. This is a little troublesome, but due to the possibility of prank orders, orders will only be confirmed upon receipt of payment, which will be covered in an email reply to the order email. Thanks. The last day for any orders is the 1st of Feb 2008.

new year, new blog

I've finally decided enough was enough. The previous blog server was getting too buggy for my liking. First, it didn't allow me to post any videos up, secondly it began to take forever to load and last but not least, it finally refused to allow me to upload any pictures. So ta-da... presenting, Pilgrim Rain III.

And some pictures:

The cupcakes I did for EMM's 10th anniversary... I wish I could get the piping right, but I guess it looks pretty decent for a first go :)