I had forgotten how much I enjoy listening to the music of Cher. I know, acquired taste. I love how the music gets you moving and dancing. It's dancable music, not house or trance that is really difficult to dance to. Yep it has been some time since I last went through my music collection, not that it is very prolific a collection, but yes, not every piece of music I have is depressing like Kevin Kern.

A post, a rant, an excursion into nothing.

4000 unedited words down, 8000 + 3500 +4000 more words to go. It scares me to think that I have absolutely nothing glitch zero kosong to write. It does not help that all my deadlines form the bulk of the first three weeks of April.

I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle this is my spout. I'm a little ball of lard short and stout. This is a my flabby arm, this is my gut... Me thinks that I am a ravenous bottomless pit. Just stuff me up with four curry puffs, four sticks of soft squid, one crouching tiger loaf, one custard bun, two sausage buns, one chicken bun, one plate of economical rice, a few chocolate bars, two cans of coffee and whoo hoo I am so ready to take on the world. Yes, I do eat more when I am stressed thank you for stating the obvious.

Why are people so plastic and so superficial? Why? Why? Why? Damn I think the easter feasting is giving me a bad sore throat. Why is it that every wednesday, the day to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, I get hit with the most obstacles to my faith. Why do I always feels tired, depressed and cranky on Wednesday, Divine Mercy Day?! I REMEMBERED DAMN IT! AND I AM GOING TO PRAY IT!!!

I have often wondered why they would term such a place as heaven. Could it be the misty blue hues as light hits the tinted glass, forming reflections upon the water meeting wood, or the warm corridors of red fusing with dark and crimson inviting souls to reach out and find each other again? Lonely wandering souls, walking about aimlessly on the path where Acheron, the river of woe, pours into Cocytus, the river of lamentation, waiting for their turn to enter the boat. An aged boatman named Charon ferries the souls of the dead across the water to the further bank. Yet there are some who are turned away. Charon will only receive into the service of his boat, the souls of those whose lips the passage money was placed when they died and who were duly buried.

Through the corridors of the underworld, three other rivers flow - Phlegethon, the river of fire, that burns, yet so attracts and like a moth mesmerised by a lamp, you cannot help but fly closer and closer until what is left of the empty husk of your body is dissolved into cinders, Styx, the river of unbreakable oath by which the gods swear, empty promises all, and Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, where souls take a drought of long oblivion as they await their rebirth into the world above. Drink. Drink it all. Who is going to remember you anyhow? What anyone would give for a glimpse into the Elysian Fields, what anyone would give for a moment's taste of pleasure, what anyone would give for a kiss from a siren. Listen to her song, her enticing song. So locked in an embrace with your love, you descend the depths, only to drown. Lovers forget that they too are subject to the wrath of the elements.

Towel up. Dry yourself. The vultures encircle, the maggots writh in delight. They anticipate your demise. Look into their greedy, scornful eyes. They can already smell death and they eagerly wait to devour you up. Slither. Slither. Slither. Eczema makes you scratch, and while you bleed, you are still compelled to claw at the open wounds. Claw away. Tear your flesh into shreds.

How do I even begin to reach out to you when you don't even give me a chance to? How do I share my innermost thoughts and my feelings when you shut yourself out? How can I be civil when all I have in return are curt replies? There has to be more in life than arguments over petty, trivial issues isn't there? Am I controlling you too much? Is that why you are rebelling against advice, even if it is well intentioned and you know deep down inside that it is probably useful advice? What am I supposed to do? You tell me.

Things have been rather stormy of late. Tossed about... Tiredness.... I am wandering around school in a state of limbo and I continue to put off doing the work I am required to do. I'm only just mildly panicking at the thought that I might not possibly have anything to write for my thesis, which is turning out more as a sociological discourse rather than a paper in Performance Studies. Yes, I have been putting off meeting my supervisor and that is not exactly is the wisest of things, for supervision stops in week 9. Well, it is less than a month left to the submission of my thesis and the countdown begins. It makes me wonder whether academia is really the path for me to take...

The reflections in the mirror, or the glasspanes are not pleasant I must say. I have inevitably resigned myself to the fact that I will never get abs in my lifetime and I have inevitably resigned myself to the fact that as I age, my posture will become worse due to the curvature of my spine, with each deterioration every year causing further difficulty in breathing, and more migraines due to overcompensation in my shoulder and neck muscles and joints. By forty, I think I could very well be Quasimodo and a fat one at that. Genetics. Hrumph! Humbug! It's ok. I'm in shape. Round is a blinking shape. Doesn't help a single bit that while I am not running or doing any physical activity of any sorts, I am overeating like crazy. At least I'm exercising my jaws and the oesophagus. Perpetual hunger and perpetual thirst. Two signs of encroaching Type-2 diabetes. Either that or my testosterone levels are down (which I highly doubt, because I am too hairy for that) or there is something wrong with my thyroid gland and I actually do have a problem controlling glucose levels or metabolism.

What I would really like to do is to take up Muay Thai, or kickboxing or bodycombat again. I have got too many frustrations and issues to kick, punch and vent away. I think aggressive sports like rowing or martial arts are good for angsty, frustrated people like myself. Probably will get a gym membership again after I graduate and join Muay Thai for real. Wanted to join some classes this semester, but cathechism classes on Sunday clash with my plans, so it has been put on hold for a while. The idea of signing up for some boot camp and going away for a year, to return completely brand new strikes me as utterly compelling, but is probably not feasible on so many counts. Maybe if I manage to earn ten thousand dollars a month, ten years down the road...

ROAR!!! (pic courtesy of Yahui)

I realise that I would probably need to get a job on the weekdays after examinations in May, before June, which is packed with reservist, FOC and YISS, and July, of which I will be away for World Youth Day, to finance my trip and expenses, but who in the world is going to hire a person for three weeks and only on the weekdays? I have no intention of going back to that chocolate company, so I am currently in a bit of a conundrum.

I will probably have a bakesale or two after exams as well, so spread the word. Will probably be doing cupcakes and cookies again, though the cupcakes will be chocolate ones, priced at $3.50 each and the cookies, be sold only in medium containers at flat rates of $22, for I realised that I was merely breaking even the last time round, and I made a loss regarding the large containers as the cost of the Valrhona couverture was very high to begin with. As much as I would like to have an Easter bake sale, I can't, for as you can see, work, tests, projects... are piling up and I can barely breathe.

I also realise that I should begin to start setting aside money for World Youth Day-winter wear, luggage, insurance, sleeping bags, WYD tee shirts... It seems that I probably can't go for the TS honours cohort graduation trip after all.

Please pray for Moses whose reservist thing clashes with WYD and for those who graduate this semester and who are going for WYD as Commencement clashes with WYD...

These is something beautiful and moving about space and there are two kinds of spaces I like - Old dilapitated ones which are torn and tattered and hanging by the seams and vast wide open ones that take the breath away. I believe that spaces are witnesses to the events that unfold and as time passes, memory leaves its imprint on the buildings, rocks, stones of the space. Old broken down spaces have a historicity that is almost melancholic or poignant and poignant works well for me.

I had to go to the major seminary on Friday to get some research done and when I stepped out from Punggol Mrt station, I was simply blown away. Probably it has to do with the idea that I am largely a city-dweller, dwarfed by buildings and architecture and swarmed by crowds of people and that I had not encountered Space for such a long time, but the scene that greeted me at Punggol was amazing. Miles of wide open space and fields, the LRT travelling across empty fields, the sunrise and the mist flooding the area and the best part? It was quiet and unspoiled by human traffic. Well, it was 7am then, but compare Punggol to Dhoby Gaunt at 7am and one attains an almost zen-like transcendence.

I was at Temesek Polytechnic the other day as well to settle some documents for my sister's enrolment and I fell in love with the space immediately. Unlike NUS which is rather cramped and claustrophobic in terms of its architecture, I loved the way the administration block at Temesek allowed the soul to breathe. Really high ceilings and open spaces at the back... Awesome. Just awesome.

It makes me feel like doing a film to document this space, but the problem with space, is that once it is documented, the feeling's different, somehow.

At this stage and point of time, my life seems to be a nice tidy mess. I have so many things to do that I don't know where to begin. Alright, so let's put things in perspective.

-My thesis is due in four weeks and I have only managed to write a meagre 2000 words. This is not good. Not good at all.
-there's a GEK mid term test on Monday and I have no idea what the course is about. Chemical equations and me aren't exactly the best of friends, but I simply had to take a medicine module.
-Asian International Cinema essay of 4000 words - not done.
-Post Mod essay of 3500 words - not done.
-Post Mod performance - not thought of.
-GEK presentation -not done.

-Cathechism lesson - not done
-Youth CAfe - not done
-Running programme - hrumph...

Don't even get me started on monetary issues, if $3.25 in the account is anything to go by, woo hoo! If money were as lingering as the germs crawling about my lungs, no thanks to this cough that is making my throat hurt and blocking my sinuses, I would be a millionaire by now.

This is rather sad, but I think I have lost my gift of being able to write. My posts are so mundane, they kill the life out of me.